so you say that you want this. you say that you’re putting all your chips in the pot and all your cards on the table and that you are going to play this hand until you can’t. and that you are appreciative of me just as I am.
but you also say you could take it or leave it. and you also say that you’ve invested too much “emotional capital”, and that you don’t understand why it’s such a big deal that you’re asking me to skip from 23 straight to 30.
you say, ”whatever makes you happy, sweetheart”, but it comes with all these stipulations like, whether or not what makes me happy coincides with your plans, and your life, and your fucked up overly detailed plan of how the next ten years are going to go. or my personal favorite, well, you can’t be with me and do what feels good, you have to do what works.
you say that you appreciate my individuality, but really the only way you’d like me to see the world is the way you do. and for the record I don’t. I don’t view the world like you. I think that you make everything more complicated than it needs to be. I think you spend too much time overanalyzing situations to ever enjoy yourself. and I think that living life to it’s fullest is the only way to do it, and that sometimes that means breaking rules, and not being “reasonable”, and not being “prudent”, and maybe betting it all on the dark horse, or letting go when you know you shouldn’t, or fighting for something you believe in when no one else does, or maybe even having cocktails before 10 a.m. sometimes you just have to do those things. maybe you can see in your head that the probability of the outcome being the way you’d like it to is slim to none, maybe youre actions even cause ” a foreseeable risk of harm”. but sometimes you just have to try. sometimes you just have to live. outside the confines of what feels safe. I will always push myself to that, if for no other reason than that those who have never known defeat can never know victory.
but, my biggest disagreement with your thought process is that you think that love is something that can be planned, and controlled, and you think that you can chose who you fall in love with and how. and you can’t. you can’t do any of those things, no matter who you are, or how powerful you are, or what youve accomplished. you think that love is a guarantee. and it isn’t. it’s a gamble.
and you think that you are always right…and I’d like to remind you that as soon as you realize you know nothing you learn a lot more. and life is what happens while you are making plans…so I prefer to skip the plans part. Life is too short to skip any of it. And it’s too short to allow people into your microcosm who say one thing but really mean another. It’s too short to skip the trip of a lifetime, the adventure I’ve been dreaming about, or even the smallest adventure, because you have shit going on and you’d like me to wait for you to do it.
and shame on you for saying that I’m not looking for something meaningful. in fact, fuck you for saying that. because I am looking for love. in all it’s glory and manifestations…or at the very least someone who I can stand for more than 3 weeks. someone who doesn’t talk down to me like my dad used to. someone who does actually appreciate who I am in the present, not just who they think they can mold and shape me into, or who they think I can become, or what opinions they can force down my throat and expect me to accept as my own. I am looking for someone to share my life with. The good and the bad, I want to remember it all. But I am not looking for someone who would ask me to put my life on hold until they are available. what could possibly be more meaningful than that?
and maybe someday I will find all of that. but I can guarantee that it won’t be because of careful planning. or organizing. or analyzing. or being careful. or prudent. It will happen because it just does. that is how it works.
life and love really aren’t that complicated. they are simple. which is different than easy. life and love are simple, but they are still hard. I think that Regina Spektor said it best:
this is how it works
you’re young until youre not
you love until you don’t
you try until you can’t
you laugh until you cry
you cry until you laugh
and everyone must breathe
until their dying breath
no, this is how it works
you peer inside yourself
and take the things you like
and try to love the things you took
and then you take that love you made
and you stick it into some
someone else’s heart
pumping someone else’s blood
and walking arm in arm
you hope it don’t get harmed
but even if it does
you’ll just do it all again