1- You are so much of what I’m supposed to want, you have your shit straight, your head on right. You’re funny, maybe even charming, and a little charismatic. I feel a certain level of comfort with you, that I forgot could exist. A certain level of comfort, that is translating quickly into vulnerability- something that I haven’t felt in longer than I can remember. All these surprises..pleasantly keep making me ease into this, and not run screaming in the other direction like there are walls closing in around me, or like I feel I can see the end before the beginning, the credits rolling before the first kiss. Rather, you make me feel like there could be hope for me yet. Like, maybe it’s time to grow old, and spend some nights alone, the nights that I can’t be with you. Like I could buy an umbrella, and start remembering it when it’s overcast, or maybe wear flats, and get my priorities straight. Like maybe if you were there to show me how all this works, I might be able to..maybe its premature, but maybe you could be stability for me..but not just that. You make me think that maybe these last few years that I’ve been totally complacent and preaching to people about not needing anyone ever, I should’ve sang a little quieter because I might have to eat my words.
2- I knew this would happen all along. It always does. Timing and communication and confrontation have never been our strong suits. I think the majortiy of our friendship/ relationship/ whatever the fuck you want to call it, has been lived more in our minds and their misconceptions than in the day-to-day. I wish that I could change so many things that have taken place between us. I wish I learned all the things I learned from you, from someone else, because you don’t deserve them. I wish there was a way to make it right. Because I do care about you still, it’s just different now. I used to think that you were it for me…it’s funny how in retrospect, I don’t even know why. I don’t know what we shared that made me so stupid for you. And, I’m not saying that because I can’t put my finger on it, that there wasn’t anything. It was just so long ago, and so much has happened since then, and my heart has become so hard that I think I’ve tried to forget it all, so that I’m never in that place again. That place where I can not shake the sinking feeling that I am not enough for you, and never could be. The only thing that made me feel better when everything was said and done was something a friend told me, “Maybe giving someone all you have is never an assurance that they will give the same back. Don’t have expectations, just wait for love to grow, and if it doesn’t grow in them, be content it grew in you.” So, there it is. I still care about you in the way that you care about someone who has become a part of your life for two years. Like a friend, a good friend. But that is all. So, now, in your effort to find whatever it is that you feel like you are missing, or whatever you think you lost, I wish you luck. But you pushed, and I’m not pushing back. When you figure out where I fit in the new scheme of things for you, if there is a place, you know where to find me.
3- I don’t even know where to start. All I can say is…it scares me to think how far I could fall if I let myself really go with you. You are nothing that I want to want, but everything that I need. You are nothing that I need, and everything that I want to want. But, if…if…whatever happened, happened, how long would it take me to fuck it up? I can’t remember the last time I met someone that I felt an such an intense form of companionship with. Do I put it all on black and just let it ride? I just don’t see where we could possibly end up from there…which is why I suppose it’s so complex…but you make me feel like maybe it’s time to fight time, stay out all night, and pretend my head doesn’t hurt when the alarm starts ringing. Like maybe growing up, and umbrellas, and flats are overrated, and we may be getting older, but we aren’t dead yet. But ultimately…I can’t.
