the pendulum swing

there is always a moment when everything is right at it’s peak, when I realize that the downswing is imminent. that it is here.  that it is beginning now.

make no mistake, it is a non-event. there was no argument. there was no exchange. it is just an intangible point in my mind, a shift in inertia.

the moment that I realize that, just as always, nothing is going to work out the way I hoped.

I could blame it on the weather, but I know that isn’t what’s eating away at me. maybe it’s a bunch of old insecurities resurfacing. maybe it’s that he has given me no sober reassurance of his feelings and I’m beginning to feel like I’m wasting my time waiting on a ghost. maybe I am translating his commitment-phobia into him being ashamed of me, maybe he is. maybe it’s being torn between feeling guilty for selfishly wanting him to stay and feeling angry with him like it’s all his fault for running away.  maybe it’s just frustrating feeling like for once you found someone that you can’t see your future without, and they are making definite plans to create a future without you in it.  like you can see a glimpse of how things could be in your mind and for once and it’s shining so brightly, and the disappointment you feel when you awaken to reality and it fades all away.  maybe it’s all of the above.

all the maybes are becoming probablys are becoming realities, little by little. and all I can do is brace myself for the bitter part, the lowest point, before time passes and I can finally recover and recall only the good in my memory.

and you don’t even know any of this, and I still foolishly wait for you to just understand…understand that from this point on, regardless of the words that are exchanged, or what transpires, it is most likely too late. that at this point I need more from you than you realize, and more than I think you are willing to give.
and I knew it the second I listened to “breathe” a week ago. it’s so trite, but it was like a premonition.

“people are people, and sometimes it doesn’t work out…but nothing we say is going to save us from the fall out”

trying to put a finger on right now…

right now.

i think i feel like there are so many ways i have changed. like there are so many ways i am so much older, and so much more worn out than i’ve ever wanted to allow myself to be. like i have seen too much, and been disappointed too much, and my heart is too hard. but maybe its just the cold coming in and the days getting darker sooner. most days, i feel like eeyore, with a thick gloom of dark rain clouds following me around all day.
but they are speckled with these shining moments, when the breeze is just right, or the tone of the tune parallels my exact feeling at that exact moment, or the air is just crisp enough, or the cold side of the pillow touches my warm cheek, or when i can share a tacit moment with a friend, and both our smiles are held for an extra moment.  im still alive. my hard heart may be jaded, but its still beating and there are little reasons to smile everwhere, most times in the most unexpected places.

i remember not so long ago when i felt so uncomfortable in my own skin. not that that feeling is gone entirely. it’s still comes around when the wind blows harshly and i look embarassed, but really- i just feel ugly and uncomfortable.
but, mostly, i think i am just me. and i have found people that i have allowed to enter my little microcosm who geniunely appreciate me for me…no secret motives, no hidden intentions- just geniune unconditional love. like family- a misshapen, unconventional family, but nonetheless.  anyone who knows me, knows that that level of comfort and acceptance isn’t something that i’ve felt in ages. and it means more to me than you could possibly imagine. so thank you. thank you. thank you. thank you. thank you. thank you. thank you. thank you.

i posted another blog recently, expressing my feelings concerning another area of my life that i was so upset about at the time.  i was driving with the top down and struggling for air thinking about all these ifs, and ands, and buts, and maybes. 
but, it turns out that something that i thought was ridiculously complex, is really…well, just simple. as simple as it should be. and yes, there are still ifs, ands, buts, and maybes, and yes, deep down i’m still SO scared. but when you think about them with a smidgen of logic, a little bit of faith, and a lot of gumption (what a great and ridiculous word, by the way), they just don’t seem like a such a big deal. it is amazing what the heart and mind are capable of when they work together. and the kicker is that in the end it turns out to be all one big contradiction, because it’s my maturity that’s allowing me to continue having my Peter Pan syndrome…not that it’s just a phase, or a big dream. in fact, it’s neither anymore.

so i guess, right now… although i feel a long way from home, and like everything is wrong… i’m not, and i just have to keep reminding myself of that.