that love is spending time with someone who makes hours seem like minutes, and makes kissing more of a passion and less of a chore. it’s being attracted to someone who is good to you, so that when you’re blinded by his beautiful smile and sparkling eyes, he doesn’t rip your completely unguarded heart out and throw it in a blender…
or walk all over it for that matter.
my friend Alyssa from high school wrote that. i think it’s brilliantly well put.
i guess after all of this is said and done…it’s still hard because there have been no words exchanged except for meaningless ones, and certainly no closure. but no, that’s not the hard part, because normally i’m not afforded closure. in fact, i don’t know if it’s a luxury i’ve ever had. written words have always been my closure, and i can’t seem to find the right ones….but i will try.
i guess the bottom line is that there is nothing left to feel except disappointment. but it is no longer disappointment of unrequited love, or a love gone wrong, or your mistakes, or mine, or future plans broken, or waking up alone, or an attained level of comfort gone. well maybe it is all those things, but it is so much more. rather, it is simply put, disappointment in you. disappointment in the man that i thought you were. the friendship i thought we had. the promises that you made, spoken and tacit, that you so clearly never had any slight intention of fulfilling.
and then again, its not just you. its the disappointment of you proving me right. i had grown so accustomed to the feeling of being alone. of the feeling that it would always be that way. and for a shining moment you made me believe. you made me think that there could be more. you made me understand what a man could be. and how one could fit into my consciousness, my space, my life, in a seemingly seamless way.
but it turns out i was right all along. you completely disproved the idea that there are men that exist that are like you…or rather how i thought you were. because here i am. alone again. and it feels fine. just like it always did.
i know we always said that we’d stay friends no matter what happened. and i hate to be the one to break the promise, but i feel like its my turn. like you have done enough of that already. i can not, for a second, justify in my head giving you the love and support and encouragement that i used to before any of this happened. i can not manage to feel like i can give anymore of myself, when you’ve already taken what i’ve given, and looked at it, and shrugged your shoulders, and walked away without a word.
just a few more sleepless nights silenced with a few more bottles of vodka, a few more cigarettes i will regret smoking in the morning, a few more one night stands in Vegas that i won’t regret at all, and a few more minutes turned to hours turned to days, and everything will be just like it always was. like it always will be.
