The Way Things Are.

how do you put into words that everything someone thinks about you is wrong?

how do you redraw yourself from the beginning?

how do you make them understand that just because you seem distant and shatterproof, doesn’t mean that they can treat you like you don’t care, or like they don’t?

I wouldnt know what to do with another chance…if you gave it to me

somedays I just want you to grab me by my face and tell me that you absolutely know for sure without a doubt that I am the one that you want. I want you to be a man. I want you to be the strong one so that for once I don’t have to be. I want you to convince me that I need you. Not because I need convincing that I need you, but because I need convincing that I need you. Because I have spent so many years, not needing anyone. And after spending so much time self-sufficient it just doesn’t seem reasonable that it could ever be any other way. I think I’ve completely forgotten how to depend on anyone else. I think about it sometimes, but in the abstract, “I wonder what that is like” way.

I couldn’t take the embrace of a real romance…it’d race right through me

I want you to understand that what you’re asking of me is not something I can take lightly. Because I can not take matters of the heart lightly anymore. I am not 16. I am not invincible. I am not that little girl that is in love with the idea of love. I mean, to a certain extent, I suppose she is still trapped in me somewhere.  But, I can’t give myself away like I used to. I can’t just let everyone in, like my heart is a one-ticket ride. I know the hurt all too well. I want to let go. I want to love like this is my only life, because it is, but I just can’t. I need some stabilty, and some structure, and someone to hold my hand through the whole goddamn thing, because the only thing that I can’t do on my own, is not be alone.

I’m much better off the way things are…Much much better off, better by far, by far

extra ordinary.

i work (some more). i hate (my job). i eat (a lot).  i sleep (alone). i run (sporadically). i breathe (asthmatically). i think (too much). i write (everything).  i laugh (obnoxiously). i talk (too loud). i drink (too heavily and frequently). i question (myself, almost daily). i ramble (on and on and on). i am confused.
i am stuck (in this routine). stuck in this extra ordinary place where all of this just is what it is. nothing more. nothing more at all.

a long time ago I swore to myself that this wasn’t the life I chose. that I chose something greater and bigger for myself. I told myself that I am stronger. but I am not, and really, it is. it is exactly what I chose. every step of the way.
I still don’t think that I have ever fought for anything. ever. I don’t think I have ever wanted anything bad enough to fight for. I don’t think I’ve ever truly challenged myself. I think that pretty much, for the majority of my life anyway, I have just taken everything as it comes. I don’t think I’ve ever really loved anyone.  I think I just wait for good things to happen and am perpetually disappointed.

disappointed by my confusion. the confusion of wanting everything all at once, and wanting absolutely nothing at all. the confusion of wanting to feel all of life’s feelings intensely but settling for apathy, and complacence. 

disappointed by my lack of passion for the things that matter. or maybe not. maybe they matter to me. so that’s all that matters. but maybe so many people have been telling me for so long that they are the wrong things to matter that I’ve started to believe them.

disappointed by your lack of passion for me. disappointed that your ideas about love and life and how they fit together and mine are different. that I am a hopeless romantic but that I am way too proud and way too insecure to actually go through with love.  and still disappointed that I haven’t felt a feeling strongly, other than restlessness and discontent in so long that I bite my nails until they bleed.

disappointed in the chasm between the human being I wish I was and the one I am. the compassionate and selfless friend-philanthropist-girlfriend-giver-christian-volunteer soul that just doesn’t exist in me.

so I am humbled. because I was an arrogant little shit. I never realized how much more difficult it is to find yourself and your place in this world when you sever your ties to your roots. everything is so much harder alone.  without someone to bear your burden for just a little bit. without someone who has to care all the time because they are blood. there is so much of you both in me. there is so much of your humor, and your logic, and your analytical mind, and your stubborness, and your warm-heartedness (at times), and your twinkling eyes, and your half-smiling soul that show through your rough-exterior, and mine.  and there is so much of your insecurity, and indecision, and emotional lunacy, and confusion, and chaotic mind, and unconditional love for all the wrong things that I just can’t deny is inherent in me, and that I can’t get rid of as much as I try.  but we’ve chosen to channel our best and brightest and deepest and darkest facets into different things. or rather, I’m not sure where I’ve chosen to channel mine yet. and you can’t be here to help me figure it out. ever again. and it hurts. it hurts so much it aches. and I forgive you. because I know you don’t have a choice. but it doesn’t make my task at hand any easier.