you sit there with your green eyes.
all I can really think of is that coldplay song.
“honey, you are a rock, upon which I stand…I come here to talk I hope you understand…green eyes, the spotlight shines upon you…and how could anyone deny you…I came here with a load, and it feels so much lighter that I met you…”
but you are none of those things.
if anything, you are the absolute opposite.
you aren’t the rock, you are the sea.
you are the load, not the burden lifter.
there is really nothing new to say. there are no unexpressed sentiments left.
there is the same discontent, and disappointment, and confusion, and what the fucks rolling off my tongue at the end of the night.
I think I just need to run away from it like I always do. not in a bad way. just in a way that provides some perspective. the last time I felt like this I flew to Vegas, drank what seemed like an olympic sized swimming pool of vodka, didn’t sleep, made a best friend who a year later is still like aloe for my soul, and met a man that did more than an adaquate job of diverting my attention from the pain in my chest that I have been told was heartache. I just let it roll me up in it’s whirlwind, until everything else was just a blur passing by so quickly.
it was reminiscent of playground days…spinning a swing all the way to the top and then just letting go and allowing natural forces to unwind you. all the while you are watching the same scenery spin quicker and quicker to the point where it is unrecognizable. and you know it’s fun, but you’re not entirely sure why.
in any case, I am back to that mindset. that one that is continually searching for a new place. that one that puts so much faith in places unseen to help me sort myself out. like these cities are my soulmates, my revealers, my friends, my rocks, my burden lifters. really, they are so much more dependable than people.
I hope that somewhere on those cobblestone streets of Rome, in the mortar, and the cracks, I find a foundation. maybe some pieces of ancient wisdom could have slipped below and are now waiting for me to catch them in my shoe soles and take them home with me.
or maybe I can just get lost in those beautiful blue humming waves of Marbella, and lose all of my bitterness in them. just sweep them out with the tide, like a message in a bottle for someone else, some other day.
or maybe the City of Lights will just make my soul incandescent. Maybe my eyes will hold the reflections of all those tiny shimmering lights on the Seine, and they will just stay there.
and then maybe, I will just forget all about you.
maybe…
